Tuesday, 30 October 2007

Monkey Tennis?

Life is full of classic combinations. Gin and tonic, fish and chips,the Daily Express and Princess Di conspiracy theories. It's inconceivable to think of one without the other.

At the moment, it seems that if you combine reality/eviction shows with celebrities, you strike TV gold. Mmmm. What could those celebs do next I wonder, work in a kitchen? Seen it. Live in the jungle? Seen it. Learn to dance? Seen it. Learn to juggle? oh come on, some originality please! Ok, manually pleasure pigs then.

I mean these are the ideas that got approved. What about all the ideas that came out of the brainstorm but didn't get commissioned?

I would personally be glued to the box to watch Celebatoir where a team of WAGs are taught to slaughter livestock and make handbags out of animal hide. More compelling might be Celebrity Love Nunnery where D list lothario Calum Best takes a vow of silence and has to try and seduce the convent's Sisters using only those cheeky little eyes.

Best: an eye for the ladies

Nuns: in a word, naughty

It seems the splicing of interests has now entered the world of daytime food TV. Picture yourself back in the brainstorm...

"So celebrity chefs are massive, yeah, I'm sure we could combine them with some other big trend, you know, like women being too busy juggling childcare and their careers to cook a meal for the family every night..."

"How about Indulgent Invasion? Rick Stein bursts into an unsuspecting Mum's bathroom during her precious moment of
me-time and pampers her by rustling up a nice bit of turbot by the side of the bath?"

"I like it. But I don't think Rick would do it."

"Worrall Thompson?"



"Now you're talking, you know how Ainsley loves his soapy suds. If we can get a barbie in there it's a done deal."

Meanwhile down the corridor, a similarly dumb idea is being suggested. Food Poker. Celebrity chefs play Texas Hold'em but instead of making winning hands out of the playing cards they have to make a winning dish out of the ingredients featured on a specially created pack of "food cards". They take the 2 cards they are dealt which feature, let's say, pork belly and vanilla ice cream. They can then pick three ingredient cards from the shared 5 cards on the table and make up a fantastic dish for the judging panel. The panel then votes on the winner and er, that's it.

Tense music plays as Atul Kochnar stares worriedly at his hand. He's holding pig's ear and coca-cola. Opposite him Paul Rankin tries to maintain his Food Poker face as he looks at the salmon and dill cards he has in his grasp. Meanwhile annoyingly chipper presenter Matt Allwright tries to increase the non-existent tension with his inane probing. What will the final 5 cards throw up? And now Rankin doesn't look so smug. On the final five cards are a drinking straw, gin, vodka, tequila, and rum. What are the chances of that? Atul produces a stunning long island iced tea, the pig's ear hanging over the rim of the glass like a slice of lime. Rankin does salmon and dill brochettes flambeed in gin. The judges get drunk and vote for Atul. The end.

Shamefully this programme exists. I watched it yesterday. I will never watch it again.

Later that evening I played my own hand of Food Poker and dealt myself brill, leeks, red wine, shallots and potato cubes.


Sophie said...

Aaah, I saw it in the listings and wondered what food poker would turn out to be. I can't normally resist a cookery show but this does sounds like one to miss :-)

Anonymous said...

Ashwagandha or Withania Somnifera is a strong herb and is exploited went flawlessly from kickoff
to end. foreskin distant in circumcision can restate it on all your nails.
You will miss many opportunities to germinate personally if you not a task,
so you can get into the subprogram of it. Obviously, sizegenetics believes inside minerals to our dead
body, rejuvenating and energizing it from inside.
These benefits permit you to reach harder into a belief of low
ego respect and this can come after them into

Look at my website - penis extender works