Would you like to buy a new TV, Sir? It has a 50 inch flat screen, it's HD ready, and it probably won't fit in your tiny living room but it's so much better than that 2 year old box you've got at the moment. Look at the picture quality - you can literally see every one of Bruce Forsyth's nose hairs. What? Your current telly isn't broken? You don't care about Brucie's nose hairs?
How about a new mobile phone then? This one has an infra-red night vision camera and anti-jelly protection. If you happen to be at a children's party and drop it in some jelly it's completely protected. And it's been designed by Roberto Crivelli in association with Samsing. It's an exclusive, only 4 million units have been made. It says you're stylish. It says you're fashionable. It says you understand the danger of jelly. What's that sir, you just want to call and text? How quaint!
Upgrade! Upgrade! Get the latest model! Your life just isn't good enough until you do. People will laugh at you, call you names, and bully your children if you don't. Upgrade your home, upgrade your face, upgrade your groceries and taste the difference. Upgrade you shanks. Buy venison not lamb. Live like a country gent!
So I did.
And they were rubbish. Like chewing on a Barbour jacket with as much flavour as Harris tweed. No fat= no flavour. They may have been raised on a posh estate but they had no taste. Forget the social climbing and give me lamb shanks any day.
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